In the Lives of Puppets by TJ Klune

Author:TJ Klune
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tor Publishing Group

* * *

The Coachman pushed open the door to the showroom where Vic and the others were caged.

“… and yes, human tastes were very subjective, but a painting of dogs playing cards while smoking cigars was considered art, even if we don’t completely understand why.” He glanced at Hap, Vic, Nurse Ratched, and Rambo, who waved at him through the bars. “To attempt to understand humanity can seem like an exercise in futility. For example, instead of asking a medical professional, some mated human pairs filled rockets with shredded paper. Then, the mated pair exploded the rocket, and if the paper was blue, that meant they were pregnant with a baby. If it was pink, they were also having a baby.”

The robots who filled the showroom behind the Coachman didn’t speak, their only sounds coming from the creaking of their machinery as those who had heads turned them this way and that. One of the robots—a humanoid figure with fingers twice as long as Vic’s—beeped in its throat, followed by the grinding of internal gears.

The Coachman led them around the room, stopping in front of baubles and trinkets, a story prepared for each and every one. As he droned on and on, the robots appeared to listen intently, but none of them ever interrupted the Coachman, even to ask a question. When they reached the shell of the old car, the Coachman invited the robots to sit inside and have their picture taken. No one took him up on the offer.

Fifteen minutes into the first tour, none of the robots had uttered a word, and the Coachman was starting to look a little frazzled. He looked over his shoulder at the cages, nodded, then said, “I’ve saved the best for last. Prepare your processing centers for a sight the likes of which you’ve never seen! Four machines so astounding, if you had lungs, your breath would be knocked from your chest.”

The spotlight above Nurse Ratched’s cage turned on, the beam bright, causing Vic to blink and turn his head away.

The Coachman spun in a tight circle, coming to a stop in front of Nurse Ratched, hands extended in a flourish. “First, I present Nurse Registered Automaton To Care, Heal, Educate, and Drill, or Nurse Ratched, for short. This glorious machine was found in human hospitals, dispensing medical advice and care to ailing humans. Nurse Ratched, would you care to show our guests what you’re capable of?”

“Absolutely,” Nurse Ratched said. “Coachman, it is time for your yearly physical. Please remove your clothing while I prepare your colonoscopy. Please tell me now if you are already full of excrement as I believe you to be.”

“See?” the Coachman cried. “See? She is a miracle.”

“I am not. I am practical. You need a suppository.”

“And this!” the Coachman said, moving on to Rambo’s cage, the spotlight bursting to life. “This may look like a small machine, but as humans with penises were fond of saying, it’s not the size that matters, but what you do with it.

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